Push forward?

I've been unemployed for one whole month. 31 days. Part of me loves it and the other part of me is absolutely freaking out. Tonight, the absolutely freaking out part is taking over. I'm beginning to believe the problem is not that the job I want is not available, the problem is with me. Or maybe I really have known I am the problem all along.

This has been long dark time in my life. I'm not sure why it happened or how.

29

I'm hitting another milestone tomorrow, 29. While I dread that I am getting older (I am feeling aches and pains more now) I hope that 29 brings me what I see in most women around me. Women in their 30's have a confidence and energy that cannot be bottled or taken to any other decade of life.

ugh

ugh. I don't know what to type in here today. Other than I just keep telling myself that I'm going to be okay. That I am going to get through whatever this phase of life is. I don't know if I really believe it deep down. But it's keeping me here right now. 

Even as I have quit my job, and wished to just lock up in a  room to not come out for a long time I feel the world whirling forward. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready for family get togethers, parties, and coffee meets, dinners and facebook chats, and phone chats. I'm not ready to have to worry about how I look, think, and feel. I'm not ready to have to listen. I'm not ready and I don't want to get ready. 

*mini foot stomp*

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Struggles

There has come a point in this struggle with God that I have realized I am not stronger and I am not wiser. There has come point of brokenness and sorrow. I have come to the realization tonight that God has us where He wants us, because He only wants what is good for us. 
But I am still arguing...I am throwing "but I want to live somewhere full of adventure, but I am so bored with here, but I want to go to a college in a different state, but I want chances to develop new hobbies and further existing ones. And the one that the evil one has pinned on me I can't seem to shake, "BUT when I went to college I said I would move out of state. BUT I married you knowing you didn't want to move out of state. BUT now I want you to make that sacrifice for me--no matter the cost for you." (I am ugly selfish at my core) 
Yet I know, this is not the time. A new (exciting) job offer is on the table, and I want it for him. I want him to find passion in his work, in what he creates. I want him to find success in what he puts his time into. I want him to find reward and progression; he has put ten years into a company that has drained his mind and motivation. He deserves this and I will support him. 

I struggle feeling like I will stuck in this menial, draining job I'm in now, forever. I struggle feeling like I've achieved the highest success in my life possible (hit a plateau in other words). I struggle to connect in relationships, constantly comparing myself to another person's standards. I struggle feeling lost because I cannot call my grandmother and though I pray often, I forget to go to God with whats really on my heart and when my pent up emotions are triggered they get the best of me. So it's been a struggle lately to get out of bed, to look another person in the face, to care about what is going on in people's lives or even my own life, and it is painstaking clear to me tonight I am the one who needs to learn more humbleness, patience, understanding, and acceptance.

Brokenness

I haven't posted much about my feelings. But today it is important to me that I take the time to address what I am feeling. I have started to withdraw from family and friends because I feel the need to protect myself. Because I don't want people to see me broken and hurting. I don't want people to see the parts of me that I don't like about myself. I don't want to see the parts of me that I don't like about myself. This song has been in mind lately, and keeps pushing on my heart. ....and I'm still wrestling around with the words and praying intensely. 'So, take my heart and form it Take my mind and transform it Take my will and conform it To yours, to yours, oh Lord Read more: Sonicflood - Holiness Lyrics | MetroLyrics Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for Brokenness is what I need Brokenness, brokenness is what You want from me What you want from me It's what I want' I'm having a lot of inner battles. I'm still struggling to deal with Gram's passing, though I am constantly being shown blessings and given God urges to provide for others. I'm still selfish. I'm still obsessively focused on little details that shouldn't matter. I'm still accepting His forgiveness, I'm still struggling to look forward while moving forward. How do I do look forward and move forward together, when all I feel like is a failure and unsuccessful and unworthy. I guess there are still life experiences left for me to learn and grow from in this lifetime.